Just a note:
I really am leaving. For good.
The truth is I don’t have fun here, I worry that I’m being replaced and honestly it’s better all around if I just leave. So I am. You may or may not find me on other accounts on other nooks of tumblr if you look hard enough but the truth is I’m not happy.
In the end the anon hate, the general feeling of never being good enough, the feeling that one day I’ll wake up and all my rp partners will realize that oh hey this other person is better…well, it’s stifling. That’s not me, that’s not who I want to be. Add on top of that the feeling that I don’t play my character correctly and well, roleplaying as Hal isn’t fun in the least.
So it’s been fun, there’s been good times and bad, I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
Yes I knew you’d have to be away. Sure it’s been harder than I thought, but I’ve pushed through it as best as possible. I won’t lie, I’m lonely. Certainly a lot more lonely than I would be if I was with Iris. But I’m doing my best here Hal.
- He pinches the bridge of his nose, heavy eyelids falling closed as he tries to subdue the ache in his chest and head. Of course it’s to no avail, all of it was psychological. He wants to step forward and comfort his best friend, he really does, but the speedster just isn’t sure right now what to do, he’s frozen to the spot he’s standing on. -
I….. you’re kidding me right? My family grows larger by the day. I’ve got every type of person, hero, villain, everything in my family Jordan. Did you even try? Can you honestly tell me you put as much effort into getting to know my family as you did trying to pursue me? Because newsflash Lantern, when you’re with me, you’re with my family too. They’re the most important thing to me without a doubt, I’d do anything for them. I’d take a bullet to the head if it meant my boys could sleep safer at night. And I’d do that without hesitation. You paint yourself as not being able to fit in with them, but there’s nothing to fit with. You be yourself Hal, that’s how you win people over.
Why am I even telling you all this? I shouldn’t have to, you’re a grown man for Darwin’s sake.
[Hal looks at Barry, expression sobering, hardening, despite the aching pain in his chest and slowly his guard goes back up. He was a fool to think he could trust the Speedster, to think he could speak his worries and try and find a way to voice it. Rubbing a hand over his eyes he draws in a slow breath, words going unheard and ignore. His voice is hoarse, but steadier as he puts his armor back in place.]
Because you don’t need a family from me.
[Keeping his hands in his pockets now, it’s as if it’s just two friends bickering over something like a lost bet and one of them just has reddened eyes.]
I have been myself and Wally all but told me to go to hell. You’ll have to forgive my general lack of enthusiasm. Honestly what the hell more do you want from me? I can handle your family but it’ll never go beyond tense friendship. And don’t you dare patronize me. You run away from your family as often as you claim to protect them or have you forgotten all the times you’ve said how you don’t belong here? What more do you want? Because honestly I’m just tired of fighting with you and finding out how deep you can carve another hole in my chest.
Don’t bury your emotions, isn’t will power all about facing your fears? Isn’t that the point of being green? You can’t bury things and just expect them to go away Jordan, you could have come to me. I mean sure I never would have acted on them, but come on, we definitely could have worked something out. You can’t blame me for having to hide things from me, that isn’t fair. Not at all Jordan.
- He takes a step back this time, his fist coming to clench around the ring in his palm. -
You think that this is what this is about? That you can’t give me a family? Hal, you knew I was still in love with her when we got into this relationship. I don’t know if you fooled yourself into thinking you could diminish that love, or what. I don’t care that you can’t provide me a family, I have one I love more than anything. Wanting me all to yourself is one thing though, and I absolutely adore that, but you can’t expect that you were going to change me. You can’t change the parts you don’t like, you’re supposed to accept them.
- He can’t believe he’s about to say this, but it comes out before he can. With a bitter laugh he looks away from the man. -
The thing about that is, about providing me a family. I didn’t need one from you, I know I can’t get that. But I thought, and this is crazy, but I thought when you and I got together, that maybe, just maybe, you’d try and become apart of my family. You want to know why my boys don’t support our relationship all that much. It’s not because you aren’t Iris Hal, it’s because you made no effort with them, at all. I wanted you to meet my son, you didn’t. I wanted to have dinner with you and Wally, you couldn’t be there. I wanted you to spend a day with me and Bart, you didn’t.
I’m a family man, always will be. You’re going to have to accept that if you want to salvage whatever we have left here.
[Don’t bury his emotions. Story of his life and yet that wasn’t the truth. You didn’t just let those feelings go. When Barry had drowned they had all sprung free and he’d been desperate, he’d wanted to believe so badly that it wasn’t true that he sought attention from the man’s own twin. Guilt, shame, regret, none of that would leave him. And now this fight, just because he’d spoken without thinking, he’d just been honest with his fears because he trusted the Speedster. Blindly without thought he assumed Barry would understand. He thought he could let down his guard for once.]
I never wanted to change that. I knew you loved her—
[The words die in his throat because there’s the harsh sharp truth of it. Barry didn’t need or want a family from him. It’s harder to breath and he looks away, wiping away warmth he feels there as the words keep coming and digging in deeper. He can’t explain that he wanted to be there only he’d been too late. That was his life. Wally and Bart didn’t seem inclined to even speak to him so what more could he do? Any effort he had left at the end of the day just seemed like being thrown at a brick wall.
There was no Jack.
No one here.]
It’s a two way street, Allen.
[His voice is shaking and he closes his eyes tightly forcing it to even out.]
You knew what I was the moment you got involved with me, you knew I’d have to be away and I couldn’t guarantee that I’d be back on time but I tried and don’t you dare say I didn’t. They will always see me as the asshole who took Iris’ place.
[Hell he’s sure being dead would be a lot more painless than this. His chest wouldn’t feel like it was slowly being crushed and words wouldn’t be forced out hoarse and rough as hot trails licked their way down his face.]
You’re going to have to accept that. I love you Barry but there’s just no room for me in your family. I don’t know if there will be and knowing that…I…I wish Malcolm had killed me the day you drowned. I wish he’d set things right and you could have your happy ending with Iris. Because I can’t do this alone. This, us, I can’t keep fighting for it on my own. I’m just not strong enough.
Without you I have nothing.
I didn’t almost sleep with him Hal, I kissed him and ended it before anything happened. I told you exactly what happened. I would never, ever, sleep with someone else if I was dating someone. I’m not Ollie here for Christsakes! I flirted with her a little, I was having a nice conversation, talking and laughing. I was catching up with her Hal. You can’t tell me that if Carol showed up single and still crazy about you that you wouldn’t too.
I’m a man Hal, and men make mistakes. Things happen, I’m only hu-humanoid…. I think.
I’m dense? How am I dense Hal? - He takes a step forward, anger inside him bubbling dangerously close to the surface. - You mean a lot to me Hal, a lot more than you assume.
- Warm metal connects with the palm of his hand and he looks down at the ring staring back at him. His heart clenches and he ceases for a second, but only a second. Just enough time to take a deep breath. - I never wanted you to give anything up Hal, I just wanted to have some time with you. You know something more than one night every blue moon.
I’ve died twice Hal, I don’t understand… and I’ve only been buried once. I’ve nearly died for you too, okay? I get that we’re both angry here, but come on, you have to be fair with me.
You can’t expect to call me dense and not elaborate. You can’t expect to tell me you said yes when you so obviously didn’t. I would have married you months ago. But right now, you aren’t the man I proposed to. I don’t know what’s gotten into you right now….. but I just… I don’t know, fuck.
[The words register and still there’s nothing he can say. At first he wants to shout about how Ollie isn’t that bad. Of course the next thing that comes to mind is the simmering anger at the mention of Carol. She had long since moved on, hell she even had a child now last he heard. It had hurt but he’d learned to let go slowly. Barry had all but thrown the lighter fluid on that bridge.
When the speedster approaches, he stands his ground, watching him silently with his jaw clenched and hands still in his jacket. ‘You done?’ he wants to ask because he’s already tired of fighting this battle. Hal is tired in general yet never in his life has he quit or backed down from a fight. Taking a slow breath he swallows down words the Lantern knows will hurt. Finally there’s silence and Hal is able to speak, it’s sinking in under his skin.]
I…I’m not her, Bare. Don’t you get it? God you’re the one person I want and I just…do you know how that makes me feel knowing that you’ll always love her? You’ll always love the person who gave you your family.
[Running a hand roughly over his face he hates how his hand is quivering with subtle tremors.]
You know why I say I’ve buried you? Because I’ve loved you when I could never have you. I buried it away, told myself that it’d be all okay as long as I could be near you. Then we actually happen and…jesus Barry, marriage. I’m terrified of it. That morning you left? God I went out and got you fucking flowers because for the first time I was okay with the idea of being tied down for good. Only you weren’t there.
[There’s damp warmth against his palm and he laughs humorlessly under his breath.]
I suppose you could say I wanted to give up all of it so that I could be here with you every day, so there would be no more men, so you could go to lunch with Iris and I wouldn’t feel so suffocated with jealousy all the goddamn time. I’m sorry Bare…I’m sorry I’m not that hero and I’m just a man. I’m sorry I want you all to myself. I’m sorry I can’t give you a family.
[[ Can’t all be sunshine and rainbows. ]]
//currently a torrential downpour of poop with a side of hail and a touch of a tsunami
peace out disney land here we come
[[ Didn’t think it was that bad. Whelp. Have fun in the teacups. ]]
Sounds perfect. And please tell me you have some sort of booze there, you’d be a goddamn saint if you did.
You’re talking to me, Hal, of course I do.
See? Guaranteed sainthood right there.
How about I join you? Anywhere that isn’t here.
There’s enough room in this bed. It’s king sized.
Sounds perfect. And please tell me you have some sort of booze there, you’d be a goddamn saint if you did.
Don’t you dare touch my dog. You want to get touchy about who belongs to who then fine. Yes I’m technically married, but have I acted like I’ve known? No. Have I loved you any less? No. But this, this right here, no. Just…. I can’t believe you’d pull this on me.
Yes I’m technically still married Hal. With me being alive it sort of nullifies my divorce seeing as the marriage ended with my death. I didn’t realize it until recently.
Though why would you care about the proposal, you didn’t accept anyhow now did you? I asked you to take a little time off, not to give up the power ring all together.
You can’t? Really? So you not loving me any less is why you went and almost slept with another man? It’s why you flirted with your wife when I’d fought through hell and back just to get back to you? Just so I could tell you I love you and that you were the one goddamn thing to keep me alive?
Oh how fucking convenient for you.
[Those last words are what make him fall silent and he draws in a slow breath before reaching just under the collar of his shirt and yanking free the chain.] You’re so goddamn dense Bartholomew. Do I honestly mean that little to you? [Stepping forward he tightens his grip on the chain briefly.] I told you once. [Reaching forward he grabs the speedster’s hand and drops the chain with the same ring Barry had proposed to him before his drowning right into his palm.]
I would have married you. I wanted to give it all up so I could give you my whole fucking life.
[Straightening upright pulls his hands away.]
I’ve buried you more times than I want to admit, I’ve nearly died for you, I’ve fought and bled for you.
[Shaking his head, he shoves his hands into his pockets.]
I did say yes, Bartholomew Allen. You just ran away.
Don’t you start yelling at me too.
Yelling? What? That you’re still married? That you proposed to me and hell I gave up being a Lantern for you?
No of course not, why would I start yelling at you Allen? I’m done trying to pretend it doesn’t bother me so I’ll just take Bosco for the night so you can enjoy it with your wife. That’s what you want isn’t it?